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The 6 People You’ll Meet at Every Gay Bar


He’s new to the scene, and boy does it show. Watching him try to come to terms with his sexuality is like watching a baby giraffe learn how to walk for the first time. Even the way he  sits at the bar feels a little awkward. You would go over there and throw the poor guy a bone were it not for the threat of putting up with some very sloppy flirting. Don’t feel too bad if you’re the newbie, though. We’ve all been you at some point in our lives.


Even though he’s in a gay bar, he’s not actually gay. You know this because it’s the first thing he tells you. Then he tells it to you again. Then, after robotically standing with his arms at his side as though all the people around him were made of hot lava, he heads to the bar and orders the butchest beer he can think of in the lowest register voice he can muster. Little does he know that his discomfort with gayness only makes him sexier to the gay men around him.


The other straight guy in the bar who’s totally comfortable with everything there. In fact, he loves gay guys! He’s not afraid to dance, or point out cute guys to you. He’s basically a saint. He is a god among gays, who like Jesus, is willing to go to the outskirts of society and hang with the outcasts….That is until someone hits on him. After that, he turns into the Nervous Straight Guy faster than you can say “Bernie would have won.”


They seem nice and all, but….Why are they there? They have each other. Why would they willingly subject themselves to the loud music and crowded dancefloors that comprise a gay bar? Based on their PDA, it seems like they’re most likely there to brag about the fact that they found someone. As they drunkenly kiss, you get a visceral disgust that makes you wonder if you’re somehow homophobic. You soon realize that you’re just bitter.


Being gay can be hard, and as a result, homosexuals have developed strong sense of community where we want to help each other out. The Sympathizer takes this to an EXTREME. They’re not gonna rest until everyone in this bar is happy and having fun! If they sense that you’re struggling in anyway, they’ll swoop in like a slightly less gay Batman and save the day. Will they fuck you? Heavens no. That’s far beneath them. They will however point out random guys and tell you “You should talk to him!” Truly the heroes we need.


He sits at the bar and orders a red wine. The bartender goes to the back to find the wine glasses because nobody has ordered a red wine at a gay bar since the Carter Administration. He over compensates for his age by dressing in youthful clothes so cartoonish, that the only thing missing is a sideways cap on his head and a skateboard in his arm. He’s probably having the time of his life, but you can’t help but be saddened by the sight of him. You see yourself in him and the thought that you too might still be hitting up gay bars at his age is flat out depressing. (You’re an ageist dick, btw.)

h/t CollegeHumor

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