ViraScoop
1.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
— Abbi “QuaranQueen” Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 20, 2015
2.
All-You-Can-Eat Pancakes should be called Four Pancakes.
— Abbi “QuaranQueen” Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 15, 2017
3.
It's called "celery" because "cold, wet plant bones" takes too long.
— Abbi “QuaranQueen” Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) December 9, 2013
4.
I'm not saying my skin is dry, but British citizens are commending it for its wit.
— Abbi “QuaranQueen” Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 22, 2016
5.
Age ain't nothing but a number indicating how long you've been alive or how embarrassed you should be about what you haven't accomplished.
— Abbi “QuaranQueen” Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) May 21, 2015
6.
Why don’t grilled cheese and tomato soup just get married already?
— Abbi “QuaranQueen” Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) November 2, 2017
7.
Why do we say something “smarts” when it hurts? It doesn’t smart. It dumbs! It dumbs a lot.
— Abbi “QuaranQueen” Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) October 29, 2017
8.
Concerned moms are always grabbing their collars. “Where have you been? My neck is FREEZING!” pic.twitter.com/H5CkftSWKo
— Abbi “QuaranQueen” Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) October 27, 2017
9.
Not even Thomas Jefferson could decide on a selfie. pic.twitter.com/FAyBVJJ1qe
— Abbi “QuaranQueen” Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) April 30, 2017
10.
A dog expert is a Rexpert. Next question.
— Abbi “QuaranQueen” Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 26, 2017
11.
Cash me inside wrapped in a blanket looking up cake-decorating videos on Instagram how bow dah?
— Abbi “QuaranQueen” Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 26, 2017
12.
Imagine having a bottle of Worcestershire sauce in your fridge that WASN'T eight years old.
— Abbi “QuaranQueen” Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 27, 2017
13.
Reading about people who have pica that makes them eat things like hair and bark. "That's not even real food," I say as I reach for a Cheeto
— Abbi “QuaranQueen” Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 24, 2017
14.
Only 1990s kids will remember this: playing Spades with my neighbors Omar and Tariq.
— Abbi “QuaranQueen” Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 28, 2017
15.
The 1920s term, “little scamp,” comes from scampi, when we used to sauté naughty children in lemon and butter as punishment.
— Abbi “QuaranQueen” Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) October 2, 2017
16.
To me, cows have always sounded more like they’re saying, “Meh.”
— Abbi “QuaranQueen” Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) October 4, 2017
17.
Funny when you feel the world slipping away then someone goes, “It’s dark in here,” and turns on a lamp. “Oh! The sun was setting.”
— Abbi “QuaranQueen” Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) October 2, 2017
18.
Songs with lyrics like, "We don't need sleep," why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
— Abbi “QuaranQueen” Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 28, 2014
19.
My main motivation for going to bed is knowing I can have coffee as soon as I wake up.
— Abbi “QuaranQueen” Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 9, 2016
20.
I ran into my old English teacher. He said, "Goode to see ye!"
— Abbi “QuaranQueen” Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) July 21, 2011
21.
I nod at every teen I see with good posture in case it is really just some adult having a Freaky Friday.
— Abbi “QuaranQueen” Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) May 31, 2016
h/t theBERRY
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