Savagery is one thing we can’t get enough of. Also, chocolate. And cheese. Plus, we never tire of passing dogs on the street. That always cheers us up. Another thing we like is taking internet quizzes. We like it so much, it’s actually interfering with our ability to get our work done. In fact, it’s less that we like them and more that we’re addicted to them. Maybe we should seek professional help.
Another thing we like, as you’ve probably figured out by now, is getting off topic, but in an effort to avoid getting any more off topic than we already have, we’ll just leave it at that. So, without further ado, check out these 15 things that will make you say, “Oh, snap, there it is”.
We have a feeling this woman would get along great with King Henry VIII
This mom is petty, but when you consider the fact that it would have been easier for her to simply cut herself out of this photo, rather than beheading her ex friends, she gets that much pettier. There’s no way these three faceless chicks didn’t know that she was a super savage. You can’t keep savagery a secret, you know. That stuff shines bright like a really bitter light, so they had to know this kind of thing was a possibility.
We can’t help but wonder what this foolish trio did to incur the Wrath of Mom™. Were they talking crap behind her back? Did they use her potato salad recipe at a Tupperware party and then try to pass it off as their own? We can only speculate.
Mom doesn’t cross the line, Mom makes the line
Moms are on fire today, man! This is the second savage AF mother that we’ve seen in as many pictures. Admittedly, it’s not that uncommon to find a mom who desperately wants their children to get married. It’s just that usually, the reason they want their kids to find love is because they want grandchildren, not because they want to gossip about their kid with their kid’s spouse. This is an unheard of level of savagery…but we like it.
If she’d left it at that, this little text convo would’ve been satisfyingly savage enough. But Mom took it a step further by calling her daughter a hoe, then dragging her ex through the mud, too. Better not mess with this mom, if you know what’s good for you.
Deadpan humor is a tough thing to master. For one thing, you’ve got to be funny, which is hard enough on its own, but on top of that, you also have to figure out how to correctly balance it out with a subtle sense of self-loathing. Fortunately, “a sense of self-loathing” is the one trait that all Walmart employees share. In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if they hired people based on that quality.
Anyway, if you want to nail the deadpan comedic delivery system, you’ve got to low-key hate everything. Remember not to overdo it though, because if you high-key hate everything, you’re gonna come off as too overt. Try to stay salty and cynical, but not outright bitter. Just follow this guy’s lead, and you’ll do fine.
Only men need to fight plaque and prevent cavities. Sorry, ladies
Toothpaste for men? What, is it laced with testosterone? If women use it, are they gonna grow beards? Because if you think that’s gonna stop us, you’ve got another thing coming, man. Having a beard would be pretty cool. It’s just another thing to style, and you know how we ladies like to style things. Heck, just look at the latest eyebrow trends. We could totally OWN having a beard! In fact, we bet that’s why you men don’t want us using your fancy pants toothpastes. It’s because you’re all afraid we females will grow beards and beat you at your own game!
We always thought we would look mighty fine with some facial hair. Looks like it’s time us women brush our teeth with this men-only toothpaste.
Apparently, the employees aren’t the only ones at Walmart who are hecka salty. Hey, we’re not saying this person was in any way obligated to pay for that woman’s stuff. After all, the struggle is real, yo. As nice as it would be to be able to pay for any little old lady’s groceries whenever the need arises, most of us aren’t in a position to be throwing hundreds of dollars around, even if we want to help.
This person didn’t have to pay for that lady’s groceries, and it was nice of them to help put everything back. But, dang, did they have to ditch all of their chill and pick the most savage way to tell us about the event? We mean, it was hilarious, but gaw lee.
What the duck is wrong with you?
We felt stupid for staring at this picture and thinking this guy’s birthmark was actually a test spot for the new foundation that he ordered off the internet, but then we read the comments, and we realized we may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but at least we’re not as dumb as this guy. He missed the point so hard, it’s almost like he’s never gotten a point ever in his entire life, poor dope.
We know you’re wondering where the savagery is. It’s less obvious than the other images in this lineup, but we’re pretty sure person number two set this up because they knew person number one would be dumb enough to fall for it, and that’s pretty savage, if you ask us.
She needs B.S.-ing lessons
You know how people these days love to say that something is their “aesthetic”? Like, one of our coworkers told us the other day that bookstores are their aesthetic. We’re still not sure what that means, and we’re kind of afraid to have it on our browser history so we haven’t looked it up on Google yet, but we’re going to venture a guess and say that watching people get called out on their bull crap is our aesthetic.
This guy is right, who TF does she think she’s fooling? She’s not in school! If she were, she would be smart enough to know that nobody was going to fall for this little ruse. Nice try, doll face, but you’d better brush up on your lying game.
Great, now we want to watch Jimmy Neutron
Sigh. More people trying to pull one over on us. When will these sorry saps learn that we are not people to be trifled with? Look, we’re trying to get into heaven over here, so we’re going to hold off on saying exactly what’s on our mind, but here’s a heavily watered-down, sugar-coated version of what we think of these people, and that is that they can all go get bent!
You know what’s not impressive? Pretending you know all about something you obviously don’t, and trying to convince people you’re well-versed enough in the subject to discuss it in-depth. So, stop trying to fraud us, or at least, if you insist on frauding us, make sure it ends in a spectacular fail that is as hilarious as this.
Dad’s not falling into your fail pothole
This text conversation must have a clogged fuel filter or something because that’s the only way we can figure that might have caused it to backfire so badly. Time to take this conversation in to the mechanic for a tune up, although we suspect this thing has already been totaled. This guy’s probably going to have to find a new set of text messages to screw up.
The way these savage AF parents are able to avoid oncoming fails set up by their kids is just uncanny. It’s like they can smell it, or like they’ve got a personal B.S. detector that helps them locate the pranks and joke set-ups that their kids throw at them. It’s funny, we guess, but they’re getting too powerful. We’re scared.
Fashion is so effed up—uh, we mean, versatile
Fashion’s so crazy, we aren’t even sure it exists. We were at Target the other day, and the hipster barista girl who served us at the in-store Starbucks had dread locks dyed a vibrant shade of purple—but that wasn’t the issue. The problem was she had taken small pieces of her dread locks, cut them into thin arches and glued them onto her eyebrows. It was very distracting. You grab your vanilla mocha latte from someone who’s fashion illiterate, and try not to stare at their heinous style crimes with your jaw on the floor. It ain’t easy.
Given that people are gluing their hair on their faces, we’re not surprised shoelace chokers are a thing. At least this is better than any trends from the ’70s, though.
Use your brain why don’t you, YouTube?!
Listen, YouTube, we get it. You’re out to make some money, just like all of us. Just trying to bring in an honest income, just trying to scrape up enough dough to get by. We’re all in the same boat, here, we’re not trying to put you down. But look, man, there is a time and a place, ya feel, bro? You want to put ads in game walkthroughs, makeup reviews and the like, you go right ahead. But, perhaps you could—and this is just a suggestion, feel free to ignore it—but, maybe you could just, oh, we don’t know, NOT PUT ADS AT THE BEGINNING OF FIRST AID VIDEOS?!?!?!?
Maybe YouTube will heed our advice. In the meantime, here’s hoping this guy’s gran’s okay.
Little kid savagery is the most savage savagery of all
We don’t know what it is about kids that makes them so savage. Maybe it’s the fact that they’re short and compact, so their savagery is condensed, like “just add water” soup. We may not be able to fully explain it, but that doesn’t stop us from appreciating it. Kids are just about the least chill people you could ever hope to meet, and the fact that their young minds are incapable of fully comprehending their own brutality makes them even more savage.
We hope this girl is on her school’s varsity savagery team. Her talents would be wasted on silly things like volleyball or track team or mathletes. But, if she joins the drama club and the debate team now, in ten years, she’s gonna be unstoppable.
Time for this guy to visit the groomer’s
We showed this picture to our bestie, who was sitting a few feet away from us at the time, and who is also near-sighted, and the first thing she said in response was, “Why is that dog wearing a watch? Why does a dog need to keep track of time?”
Hirsutism is usually genetic and/or hormonal, so it’s not this guy’s fault that his hand looks like Scooby Doo’s paw, but we’re not going to lie to you, this picture is disconcerting. Maybe if he wasn’t holding his hand like that, maybe if it was in a high-five sort of situation, we would feel differently. But, as it is? This guy should probably visit the groomer’s in the local PetSmart next chance he gets.
The anti-pick up line legend
If the screenshot of this most savage of all savage text conversations doesn’t give you life, then you’re looking at it wrong. Go get your eyes checked, maybe stop at the store and purchase a new sense of humor, then come back here and give it another glance. And if that doesn’t change your mind? We don’t know, fam. Guess you’re just a loser.
This person just got slammed by the most brutal single and loving it person we have ever seen. We guess we should feel bad for them for that, but we don’t. They obviously don’t have the level of savagery you would need to date this person. We pity the fool who engages in an argument with them. They’re admirable, but they’re also fearsome.
Maybe she should stick to hotdogs
Maybe they don’t have corndogs where this couple comes from, so they didn’t know what to expect when they ordered some from Sonic. That’s what we hope is going on here, anyway, because they sure act awful surprised that there was a piece of wood in that corn dog.
This woman’s teeth must be made of saw blades to be tearing off pieces of wooden stick like it’s nothing. We accidentally bit into a Popsicle stick once when we were eight, and we broke two teeth. Fortunately, they were just baby teeth, and they fell out shortly thereafter, so we didn’t have to endure dental procedures. Although, the tooth fairy did pay us considerably less for those teeth than she had for the others, but that’s beside the point.
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