“Get ‘er done,” says Larry the Cable Guy as he drinks a beer, turns on NASCAR and scratches his rear end. Larry, of course, is not a real person. He is a character created by comedian Daniel Whitney, a native of Pawnee City in the state of Nebraska. Despite being a work of fiction, Larry the Cable Guy is a remarkably accurate depiction of the common redneck. The vast majority of those who relate to Whitney’s work are themselves beer-swilling, gun-toting, flannel-wearing sons of the soil. While undoubtedly the perfect subjects for satire, these people can also be pretty terrifying. The customs and traditions of rednecks differ wildly to those of the common American and give rise to behavior that is absolutely unacceptable outside of a trailer park. Oftentimes, a picture of a redneck could be mistaken for a still from some obscure grindhouse horror movie, but, as you’re about to find out, a real-life redneck is far scarier than anything to come out of the mind of Stephen Chiodo or Alfred Hitchcock.
In this article, we’re going to be examining 15 of the creepiest redneck pics EVER, so lock the door, turn off the lights, and prepare to quake in your overalls.
Rednecks have a tendency to objectify women, but if there was ever somebody who definitely was not going to be pressured to take off their bra, it’s this guy right here. This picture shows a redneck who seems to have shaved his remarkably dense chest hair into the shape of a bra. Either that or it just grows in that pattern naturally.
The guy’s chest hair is so thick that you can barely see his nipples as they peek out from beneath it, desperately gasping for air. The only thing bigger than this redneck’s breasts is his beer belly, which has to contain at least ten gallons of Bud Light and a whole lot of state fair corn dogs. It really would be better for everybody if he would just put on a shirt, but he probably has trouble finding one to fit him.
Redneck Family Reunion
They say a family that slays together stays together. If that’s the case, this must be the closest family on the planet as they probably do quite a bit of slaying together.
In this picture, we are shown three generations of gun-toting rednecks, all looking very pleased with themselves indeed. Furthest from the camera is the youngest, a baby-faced man, probably still in his teens. He holds a sophisticated shotgun that he likely hasn’t learned how to use properly yet. Next to him is a woman we can assume is his mother, holding an unidentified object, either an umbrella or a gun with a very long grip. Closest to the camera is her mother, an elderly lady tightly clutching a handgun and just daring the Grim Reaper to come get her.
This redneck family portrait would feel more complete if it featured Gomez and Morticia Addams. In it, we see a typical country man and woman whose relationship is difficult to pin down. Are they husband and wife? Could they be brother and sister? Maybe even both? It’s anybody’s guess.
The half-smiling woman seems to have a black eye, which she has unsuccessfully attempted to cover up with makeup. Human nature gives rise to curiosity and leads us to speculate as to the cause of her black eye. We’d float the theory that her sibling/lover had beaten her the night before this picture was taken, but one look at the grotesquely deformed hand he has resting on her shoulder pretty much clears his name (which is probably Cletus).
Attending a swingers’ party is a questionable way to spend an evening at the best of times, but if you ever receive an invitation to a swingers’ party in a trailer park, you should throw it in the fire and immediately change your address and identity, lest you end up like this guy.
This picture shows three men, probably drunk, hanging out on a flimsy looking swinging couch in someones backyard. The couch-swing looks like it violates every standard set by the United States Consumer Product Safety Commission and then some. The middle guy in the red shirt even looks like he is questioning his life while the two guys sitting next to him are having the best time of their life. Looks like great fun!
Some people should keep their mouths closed in photographs. The redneck featured in this mug shot is one of them. He is shown here with three teeth poking out of the top half of his mouth, which, in all fairness, is actually about two teeth more than the usual redneck has. His magnificently terrifying chompers are so extreme that they draw attention away from his other bizarre facial features, such as his crooked nose, uneven eyebrows, and unnaturally large forehead. To add to the absurdity of the mug shot, he looks to be butt naked, so he probably spent a good portion of his day drinking beer in a kiddie pool. It’s anybody’s guess what this redneck was arrested for. Maybe he stole something. Maybe he killed a guy. Maybe he committed the heinous crime of going out in public while the sun was still out.
Rednecks aren’t exactly known for their love of pizza. Most prefer more traditional southern foods like ribs, biscuits, and roadkill. This particular redneck, however, loves pizza so much that he makes up for the entire state of Alabama’s disinterest in Italian cuisine. He loves pizza so much that he had a slice of pepperoni pizza tattooed onto his bicep. I use the word “bicep” very loosely, because this guy doesn’t look like he’s ever been to the gym in his life. Funnily enough, he doesn’t look like he’s ever been to a pizzeria in his life either. He’s all skin and bone, a deflated caricature of Kris Kristofferson. Of course, you can’t blame him for being so seriously underweight. Would you finish your dinner if it were the spit-roasted body of a skunk your father/brother-in-law ran over on his way home from his favorite boozer?
Way Three Hairy
What do you do if you can’t afford to pay for a jersey emblazoned with the number of your preferred sportsperson? Well, you can sit there and mope about your financial situation or you can dry your eyes and get creative. This redneck, a massive NASCAR fan in all senses of the word, chose to do the latter.
In this picture, we see the shirtless man unashamedly displaying his nauseatingly hairy back into which he has shaved the number three with impressive accuracy. Sitting next to him is a woman we can safely assume is his wife. There’s no evidence to suggest the pair are married, but it’s difficult to imagine a woman hanging out with this guy unless she had long ago signed a contract agreeing to do so.
“I don’t want clever conversation.” So go the lyrics of rock and roll pianist Billy Joel’s 1977 hit “Just the Way You Are”. Throughout the song, Joel pleads with his lover not to change herself in an attempt to please him because he loves her just the way she is. We can safely assume that Joel was not talking about the woman in this image.
Here, we see a topless redneck woman with a cigarette hanging from her mouth and an axe slung over her shoulder. Has she been drinking? Almost definitely. Could she be trusted with that axe even if she were sober? Probably not. While she certainly isn’t the most naturally beautiful woman in the world, Joel can take solace in the fact that she doesn’t look like the type to change the color of her hair. In fact, she doesn’t look like the type to even wash her hair.
What A Crappy Game
When a toilet seat just isn’t strong enough to support your 400 pound frame, you have to find another use for it, something the woman featured in this picture clearly understands.
Here, we are shown a grotesquely overweight redneck woman utilizing a discarded – and probably traumatized – toilet seat in a game of horseshoes. To add to the sewage theme, she seems to be using a plunger as a target. In the background, you can see a second toilet seat that has already been thrown, which makes you wonder just how many toilet seats she’s broken in her time. Horseshoes is probably the extent of this woman’s equestrian endeavours as she doesn’t exactly look like the riding type, so any horses reading this can breathe a sigh of relief.
Six Pack Challenge
Do you want six pack abs or a six pack of beer? It’s a decision every adult male must make and very, very few people can have both. It’s the kind of decision that will make itself if you refuse to do so and, if you let that happen, the chances are you aren’t going to like the results. The unnamed redneck featured in this picture, however, seems to have beaten the system.
Here, we see the disturbingly bloated belly of a beer-swilling hillbilly as he proudly displays his admittedly kind of clever tattoo, which depicts a six pack of beer where most in-shape men have a six pack of sheer muscle. Getting six beer cans and the accompanying plastic rings tattooed onto his belly must have hurt, so, if for nothing else, you have to admire this guy for his dedication to the joke.
For those of you who have never heard of Hustler – or are going to pretend that you’ve never heard of it – it is an adult magazine produced in the United States. Having spent most of its existence as a poor man’s Playboy, the monthly magazine has a fan base comprised of exactly the kind of men you would expect.
In this picture, we see the typical Hustler subscriber sitting in the crowd of what is almost definitely a NASCAR event. His mullet is straight out of the 1980s, which is probably the last time he actually washed or combed his hair. His literally and figuratively filthy t-shirt, which reads “Nice Jugs”, is a Hustler product that has proven worryingly popular with the magazine’s readers (we use the term “reader” very loosely).
Gunning for a Burger
There’s an old stereotype that says rednecks are careless, gun-loving borderline psychopaths just waiting for somebody to look at them the wrong way so they can start firing under the guise of self-defense. While it doesn’t depict everybody from the Deep South, that stereotype is a fairly accurate when describing the two rednecks captured here.
In this picture, we see a pair of rednecks, most likely father and daughter (insert incest joke here), eagerly awaiting their food in a Southern burger joint. Each has a rather intimidating firearm hanging from their back, which puts them in a legal grey area. Open carry is permitted in certain states across America, but it generally only applies to handguns. Of course, nobody in this restaurant is going to tell that to these rednecks.
Ready to reject your marriage proposal and pierce you through the heart
is this pair of cringe-inducing redneck archers. Like almost all redneck males, the grinning man in this picture is sporting a beard and mullet combo. Again, like almost all redneck men, he seems to have misplaced his flannel shirt (though we should all be thankful that he doesn’t have the traditional beer belly).
The woman, for her part, has her leg around her partner’s body, no doubt impressed by the masculinity of her partner holding a bow and arrow. The nature of the pair’s relationship isn’t known, but their closeness would suggest they have some sort of romantic agreement. That being said, it’s difficult to ignore their strikingly similar smiles and facial features.
This picture may just be the most accurate depiction of redneck life ever documented on camera. In it, we see an almost naked and presumably drunk redneck clad in a pair of Bryan Cranston-esque tighty whities, over which pours his impressively large beer belly. Standing in front of a rusted Jeep, he holds a gun in one hand and a five-string banjo in the other. What are his intentions? Is he going to peacefully protest through song, pleading with the government not to take his guns away or is he going to forcibly prevent the repo man from repossessing his banjo?
The only thing that’s stopping this picture from achieving maximum redneck-ocity is the absence of the Confederate flag, but we have a sneaking suspicion he has one hanging in his bedroom.
If you’re reading this entry, it means you’ve almost made it to the end of this article without clawing your eyes out, which is no easy feat. Congratulations. However, not pulling your eyes out of your head is about to get significantly more difficult.
In this picture, we see the typical redneck male, posing in his underwear on a bed that he quite possibly stole from a youth hostel. Clutching a handgun, he seductively poses alongside his most cherished possessions: a couple of guns, lots of boxes of ammunition, and two electric guitars, one of which isn’t even real. As horrible as it is to look at this image on the screen of your tablet, computer or smartphone, you should remember that it could be much worse. Spare a thought for the camera operator who actually had to take this picture!