By Heather Dockray and Sam Speedy
It’s Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s birthday today, and there’s no better way to celebrate her than with showering her with theoretical gifts she’ll never receive.
Ginsburg, the internet hero — sorry “long-serving Supreme Court justice” — is 84 years old today. We’re sure she’s actually celebrating with family and friends, but we’d still like to offer her these hypothetical gifts as a token of our unrequited love.
Ginsburg has been many things throughout her life — a professor, a lawyer, a judge and a feminist. She’s also been the source of so many delightful GIFS for useless millennials like ourselves, easily her most important contribution to the American people.
There’s even been a campaign to help keep Ginsburg alive, both because people want her to have a long life — and they’d like for her to stay on the court.
Dear Ruth, we present to you our humble GIFS and gifts.
1. Keychain hand sanitizer
Let’s keep those hands 99.9 percent germ free at all times, OK? Even when on the go. Cleanliness is next to immortality.
2. Pedialyte for her red wine habit
Notorious RBG took a notorious nap during Obama’s State of the Union in 2013. While we celebrated her viral moment, we were also deeply concerned for her upcoming hangover. And nothing cures a hangover like Pedialyte, a drink for dehydrated babies.
3. Book of sudoku puzzles
We know RBG keeps in good shape physically, but we want to give a gift that will help maintain a well-toned brain. She’s still sharp as a tack placed mischievously on Clarence Thomas’s chair by an intern, let’s keep it that way.
4. A do-over
Just because she’s a Supreme Court justice doesn’t mean she can’t make a tiny mistake, every ten years or so. Remember when she criticized Colin Kaepernick for his anthem protest and then people felt weird about calling her “Notorious RBG” for a day? Sure, she apologized, but a do-over would have been even more effective.
5. Whey protein powder
Some people say protein powder doesn’t work, it’s over hyped, etc. We say: whatever. A nice gallon jug makes an impressively sized gift, it’s expensive so she knows we’re sparing no expense, and a scoop or two inside a daily glass of milk can’t hurt.
6. A Twitter account
RBG has so many quotables we can barely keep up. She’s basically the judicial branch version of Maxine Waters. Why not give her a Twitter account where she can keep us entertained all day? (While she’s doing her job or whatever).
7. An eyeglasses chain
Imagine how many more judgmental over-the-glasses looks Ruth could bestow if she knew her frames were securely fastened? A glasses chain would be the gift that keeps on giving.
8. A f*cking vacation
Not like, a three-day weekend or a winter break where she’s still sort of thinking about all the work that has to be done when she gets back. A real, bonafide vacation with no breaking news allowed, her favorite bottle of red, and a good lime souffle.
9. A hard copy of that BBC interview where the kids interrupt
Cause she probably hasn’t seen it, but she really, really should.
10. Eight more female Supreme Court Justices
Ruth has been asked a lot of times, “how many women is enough women on the Supreme Court?” all with the same answer: nine, baby. Give the woman what she wants!
Look RBG, if we could give you the world, we would. For now, you’ll just have to accept our humble, somewhat generous, well-intentioned listicle.
Here’s to 84 more!